Unfortunately I think few really appreciate the meaning of love after the initial euphoria of bonding. After that wild and out of control feeling while lost in the mists of hormonal stimulus, chemically induced haze of sexual lust and the adrenalines rushes stimulated when, just by the touch of a hand makes your pulse react.

“Am I in Lust or am I in Love?”

Lust is driven by the sex drive and the biological imperative to reproduce, which may mature to being ‘in love’ with someone, we might describe as our lover. However, it takes a lot more introspection for this to evolve into something of life long significance. And yes it can be scary to feel that way.

Meanwhile, many spend their life searching for someone to love them like their mother did as a child. Expecting to find someone who will accept them unconditionally like their mother once did. However, I have news for you, love cannot be outsourced ……..

I believe that the success and fulfilment of relationships depends on a dynamic relating to each other, with deep trust, integrity and authenticity (oneself and other) measurable in the open sharing of vulnerability. True love enables this in its deepest form, because it is held within ultimate trust.

Practicing response-ability is another essential component, taking ownership of one’s own ‘stuff’, respecting the other and allowing appropriate space for each other to be themselves. Relationships are about space for self, space for the other and space to come together, where these spaces are defined by clear boundaries.

Live true to oneself first and foremost, because you have nothing to offer to another if you cannot be happy in your own company. Far too many people burden their relationships by making their happiness the responsibility of the other. Happiness like love cannot be outsourced.

Loving relationships are expansive because the other becomes an extension of self. Therefore, Love for me is about considering the others best interests as my own. This can also be a test of my capacity to love someone, because it requires consideration for their best interests when in fact it may not be in my best interests let alone preference.

Something to remember in long term relationships. Love is actively shared through service to self and other, such that the feeling of love is derived from the actions of love and with reciprocity in a dynamic process. A dance of giving and receiving and giving back again with gratitude and acknowledgement.

But what do we know of true love?

No matter where we find ourselves in life, we will always have met love in one form or another, and there is always a feeling that we have got it figured out, but not quite completely. The experience of past relationships, from our primary care givers as children, through our first romantic courtships, dating, hookups and marriages, may leave us older and wiser.

However, the journey to true love is a solitary one, even though we spend most of our lives trying to find it in others. It is a unique journey with a multitude of twists and turns for each individual. There are no words to describe it with clarity, it is a lived experience that can take us to the point of despair in aloneness to then find love in oneself.

Because love is an energy that comes from within, a rich warm fire inside one’s heart, fuelled by self-aware and self-conscious attention. This love is strong and it starts with self acceptance and the wisdom of knowing oneself, in a constant state of presence, before it can then be shared with the world, with integrity in its entirety.

There is no road map that I can give you, there is no definitive path, it’s a unique blueprint for each and every one of us. A rough road full of sharp rocks and pit falls. Only complete and utter presence, courage and perseverance can lead us home….. To Love!

What would life be without all the big stuff like conception, childbirth, falling in love, heartbreak, taking our first steps, puberty, graduation, marriage, death and all the psychological, emotional and physical contractions that happen in between?  I believe that these are the events that create enough force to make the earth’s tectonic plates shift.  

It is commonly believed that the sperm that fertilises the egg was some super sperm that somehow was faster and stronger than any other, when really many other sperm swim just as fast if not faster only to be rejected, shut out, deemed unworthy, because the egg just won’t let them in. The sperm didn’t earn its place fare and square, it was just luck or not depending on how you look at it.

Forcing your way into this world after 9 months of comfortably feeding off of your host in order to develop enough to survive in this world when the time comes.   Then you tear your way through your Mother’s body causing the most excruciating pain that should kill her if it didn’t take her to the very brink and yet every fibre in her being is compelled to love you.

So many processes we call nature have nothing to do with fare and normal and yet as humans we hold onto this perfect notion of what life should be like and everywhere we look it is obvious that perfection has nothing to do with life. So I can’t help but wonder if it is possible that our denial of the brutality that is a natural part of life is what causes the most suffering?

Most Queens were not first princesses, they were untitled, unrecognised and tolerated in the armour and they know little or nothing about being adored.  Blazing through shadows they grew fangs and claws from turning feral in the dawn.

It was already getting dark when I approached the edge of the field, ready to cross the railway tracks to head back from where I came only an hour earlier. A boy had followed me asking for an explanation, because he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be his girlfriend after kissing another girl whilst we were together only months before. 

I was focused on the conversation building and falling apart in the back of my mind as I imagined how I would ask Aunty Janup if I could live with her on a more permanent basis. I left her house at the very last minute always hesitant to leave and go back home after spending the weekends with her. Her house was warm and violence free, no drinking and no drugs. I could escape my life for a few days and going back was always hard. 

When I arrived back at the house that we were staying at for only three months at the time, the sweet old lady opened the door “Your Mother is not here, she moved”.  She looked exhausted as if she had aged an extra 10 years in the short time we were living there.   It was obvious she wanted to help my Mother, because she felt sorry for us. I asked her if she knew where she had gone, but she didn’t. I didn’t expect that she would, because it was clear that my Mother didn’t move under calm circumstances.

I began walking to all her regular spots where I thought she may have been over the weekend. Most of them had no idea and made some suggestions for where I could look, to try and be helpful. Eventually I arrived at the house where the boy, who later followed me to the fields, parents lived and they told me where she was. 

She was staying across the street from them at a house I didn’t know, a boy who was going into the house saw me standing outside and I asked him if she was there. He went into the house and a few minutes later she came out of the house looking the way she always did after a drunken binge weekend, carrying the air of depression, sadness, shame and victimhood.   “You can’t stay here there is no place for you” She went back inside and left me with the question “what am I going to do?”

I left that boy standing on the field in the dark and walked back to Aunty Janup house feeling anxious and ashamed. I had nowhere to go, unwanted and alone in the dark. The streets were quiet and everyone was in their homes behind closed doors with the lights on. As I walked slowly back towards Aunt Janups house forcing myself to place one foot ahead of the other I imagined what it would be like to have a home. 

Deciding so many things about my place in this world, who and what men are and about the world in those moments that I would spend many years circling back around to, in order to find peace. I wanted to disappear into thin air to be invisible, being in my body hurt. Her daughter didn’t want me to stay and told her mother to send me back, she was angry and didn’t see how I could be her mother’s problem.

She opened the door, called me inside and carried on as if I was always meant to be there. I was thirteen years old on that day, but my soul was already dying. She saved me, I learnt many things about people and life that day, I met a part of myself that I wasn’t ready for, but perhaps I would never have been ready to meet her if I had the choice. 

So much of our human tendency is to seek comfort by avoiding our fear, we avoid the growing pains, the challenging things and spend years beating the drum of what is wrong thus keeping us right there in that place. The alcoholic parent and absent father, the addicted uncles and violent traumatised aunts, the poverty, homelessness and the shame.

I began running from that little girl ever since that day, because what chance would I have to be loved in a world where everyone sees perfect as normal and the ugly should be avoided at all cost, lest it be contagious. Only to run into her over and over again and what that little girl taught me was that life has nothing to do with normalcy, that life is in tune with nature and it is natural to find yourself initiated into awakening through brutal pangs and painful births. 

That the Universe does not see helpless children, but ancient powerful souls with a mission, that some are called to more and evolution is raw, and that most queens were not first princesses in a castle, but warriors fierce and free even if not in the mind at first we will always get there eventually.

It begs the question: 

“Does the expectation of fair and normal, sometimes keeps us in a state of resisting who we are meant to become?”

“Sorry, but …..” “Sorry to disturb you ….” “Sorry would you mind ……”

As an Englishman living in Bulgaria I have become keenly aware of the inauthenticity of English politeness. A politeness that propagates deception, that is disingenuous and crawls with pretentiousness.

The word ‘sorry’ has become a pathetic excuse used in subservience, presenting a willingness to obey, diminishing responsibility and conditioning a belief of insignificance, being less important than others.

A politeness that propagates deception and diminishes responsibility

The habitual and irresponsible use of ‘sorry’ makes it disrespectful and disingenuous. Furthermore, the repeated use of ‘sorry’ is disempowering, perpetuating a victim consciousness, which imbalances relationships and makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I believe ‘sorry’ is a word that should be used sparingly and with meaning, because there is great responsibility in taking ownership of one’s mistakes with respect for oneself and the other. Used appropriately saying sorry is empowering, because it is about acknowledgement, self worth and expresses an appreciation of value in relationship.

“I acknowledge my mistake I am sorry it did not work out”

Personally I prefer the practice of gratitude for all experiences and situations. If I am late (a rare occurrence) I thank the other for their patience in waiting for me. This action of gratitude is empowering for both self and other, retaining balance with positive harmony.

“Thank you for your patience”

Gratitude practice brings us into harmony with the present moment and the is-ness of life. Something I so love about life in a Bulgarian village is the feeling of realness in everyday experiences. The absence of pretension, there is no hiding behind a smoke screen of excuses. This is life, this is living, with all its imperfections.

For me life in the wild nature of Eastern Europe feels in a different dimension, offering an opportunity of genuine experience unhindered by the need to make it feel good. No excuses, no judgement, no hiding the reality of life.

What about you, how do you feel the contrast between worlds of your experience?

Which do you prefer?

The perception that anxiety is a problem with the mind and therefore a mental health issue, is actually quite unhelpful, because it labels it as a disfunction (diss-function) to be treated with medication. Whereas in fact I think we should be considering it more like the experiences of teething problems that occur when we are leaning to use a new skill or upgrading to a new operating system to integrate a life changing shift in paradigm.

The shift in paradigm is in fact an evolution of consciousness.

It is all too easy to slip into the belief that anxiety is something that should not be happening and therefore needs to be treated with medication (drugs) to dull or dampen down the sensations. However, this just serves to increase the mental resistance to it and whatever we resist will persist, keeping us stuck in discomfort (diss-comfort) taking more and more drugs to reduce the difficult feelings.

Whatever we resist will persist ….. Medicating anxiety keeps us stuck

Consider in fact that many anxiety attacks actually arise from a sudden and unexpected increase in clarity that makes us question some fundamental beliefs in how we have perceived things to that point. Anxiety arrises, because the new insight presents us with a whole new perception of life that we do not yet have the capacity to integrate, yet it feels so right.

It is in fact a mad world that considers anxiety as an illness, when in fact it has far more to do with a healthy growth in awareness, which expands consciousness and increases wisdom. It is actually a very natural part of life, it’s just that so much is changing at the moment and at such speed it is becoming an increasing challenge to keep pace with the new insights presented to us.

Anxiety arrises with new insights, new perspectives, with expanding consciousness and increased wisdom.

Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, let alone a sign of weakness in any way, it is simply the justifiable expression of our mysterious existence within an ever changing world viewed from multiple perspectives that by its very nature makes us question ‘reality’.

With the unexpected appearance of the unknown, changes in our environment and the emergence of new patterns of behaviour, it is natural for our limbic brain to stimulate a fight, flight or freeze response. Take a moment and breath into your body at these times, feel the energy of change and open yourself to receive its gifts.

Ultimately the only real constant in this world is change and we need in some way to learn to expect the unexpected, to embrace it as the incredible opportunity that it is. Rejoice in the anxiety that makes our bodies tingle, pulse and vibrate, as every cell of our being celebrates the new energy expanding our consciousness.

Nothing Lasts, but Nothing is Lost, there is Only Change, and with Change comes Opportunity……….

However, there are energetic buffers that spread through our regular spaces, people and places, which can emerge as distractions. Or become a ‘go to’ quick fix in order to feel a sense of connection.

You may notice that no matter how you try there appears to be resistance, obstructions and blocks, because the only true connection is found in nature, where there is no restriction.

The spirits of nature hold the energy to support the expansion of the portals we posses within our bodies, heralding the transformation.

Listen to the messages I received in the channelled video post that follows this one.

With love, Elif x

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The photograph above was taken as I sat beside a fire on my farm in Bulgaria contemplating the news of my father’s death, feeling into his spirit now free to roam wherever it likes I felt his presence with me there.

If I had a regret it was not being able to walk the valley with him, but now I know we can do it in spirit. It was a beautiful experience seeing my father’s form in the flames, appearing to share the view with me.

My father was a mycologists and this was one of his gifts to me as I grew up looking for fungi in the woodlands of England. His enthusiasm for gathering mushrooms is now passed onto my two boys who joyfully harvest the abundance that emerge from the forests of Bulgaria.

The rain fell overnight to clear away the energy of the day before, quenching the heat of the fire left remnant in the ashes, but giving life to a fresh fruiting of mushrooms in the meadows and woodlands of the mountains.

I am grateful for the time that was given me in the few weeks before the ceremony to celebrate my father’s death. This allowed me the space I needed to spend time in nature sharing my thoughts with the trees, while I walked the mountain forests with my boys picking mushrooms.

Here are the words I read in the service….. :

“Firstly, I would like to thank you all for coming to share in this celebration of my father’s life and I trust you are enjoying his choice of music and hymns.

He will be greatly missed by many, but while we often experience death with great sadness, I know he would want us to remember him with happiness and joy in our hearts.

I wrote the following words as part of my own process and now I would like to share them with you.

I invite you to find your own connection to the following and feel into the depth of the messages that may emerge from between the lines.

A son’s relationship with his father can be one of, if not the most significant influence on both their lives. I am fortunate enough to have experienced both sides of this having become a father of two boys myself.

The insights I have gained have been incredible from both, and seeing the father son relationship from different perspectives has deepened my understanding even further.

I no longer believe in coincidences, because I know synchronicity happen for a reason. From the moment we are born, intuitively we learn things from our parents and as we grow up together these insights start to define the world in which we live.

I believe we are at an incredible point in time, where, as a race of people, we are being offered an opportunity to heal the emotional traumas that have been passed down through the generations.

I am particularly thankful that in the last couple of years, my father and I shares some beautiful moments of mutual acknowledgement that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

My father lived a long influential life sharing his gifts with family, friends and the many students he tort, through which his influence will have an impact for many years to come.

The open enthusiasm with which he shared his knowledge and perspective of life is an energy I resonate with myself. Through the process of sharing comes an even greater depth of understanding.

Life is full of opportunities, but so many are lost, because they are perceived as negative situations of difficulty or challenge, surrounded by resistance and fear.

However, these times of difficulty and challenge offer us the greatest opportunities to dig deep into our resourcefulness and discover new personal insights, strengths and abilities.

Life is full of opportunity, so that is not a problem, it’s our depth of awareness that makes the difference. It’s our ability to see the opportunities, grasp them with both hands and expand into them with all our consciousness.

That’s what makes the difference and that is where real growth happens… Emotionally, Psychologically and Spiritually.

I am fortunate that I have been offered many opportunities and now I am aware enough to take advantage of more of them.

Living close to my parents for most of my life I have had great opportunities to learn from them and through them, sharing experiences and making observations.

One of my father’s gifts to me was his scientific mind always open to understanding a new idea or perspective, constantly researching and learning.

My father’s passion for natural history is something that has influences many aspect of my life and is now also passing onto my children as they play with the wildlife in Bulgaria and gather mushrooms with me on the mountainsides, forests and meadows.

His life’s work researching our family history is another great gift and one that I have only recently realised the value of, because we are influences by the thoughts, actions and beliefs of many generations of family members before us.

I can now share this information with my boys and my father’s legacy offers transformative potential for our family into the future, physically, mentally and spiritually.”

Nothing lasts;
But nothing is lost;
There is only change;

And with change comes opportunity…….. 

The post Contemplative Time Beside the Fire appeared first on Harmonic Alchemy.

I have put this blog post together primarily to share some of my favourite images of the valley of Leskovdol and the surrounding mountains. The photographs were taken on an early morning walk in early November 2014, when I walked the mountain tracks in the dark with the intention of being on the top at dawn. Oh so well worth the effort !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Climbed through the coniferous woodlands of the lower slopes that are interspersed with remnant beech and hornbeam pollards, coppice and coppards. On the mountain top I emerged just before dawn to find a fantastic ancient wood pasture, with beech and oak pollards spread across the rough pasture that is now maintained by herds of horses.

Looking down on the valleys filled with oceans of low cloud provided an incredible contrast to the trees in their resplendent autumn colour. The trees may not be huge by UK standards, but the altitude and exposure, harsh winters, etc, need to be considered as a significant influence. I need to do a little more digging for information locally to understand the history of the wood pasture systems around here.

Before the second world war and communism these mountains were intensively grazed and it looked more like the lake district in Cumbria (UK) does today. I have seen photographs of this and the only trees around are the old beech, hornbeam and oak pollards. Now it is just the semi-wild herds of horses that graze the pastures all year round. There are a few locals that can be bothered to walk their flocks of sheep up close to the top, but only during the summer when they are looking for cooler air.

The path across the mountain tops along the head of the Leskovdol valley is part of a ‘way-marked’ trail locally recognised as a route enjoyed by one of Bulgaria’s most famous poets and playwrights Ivan Vazov, who’s creative passion was inspired by this wild landscape. Walking the tracks under avenues of trees I need to be reminded that they are actually growing on a mountain top at over 1,200m above sea level.

The post Dawn in the Mountains appeared first on Harmonic Alchemy.

As I write this the Super Blue Moon of 31st January 2018 is reaching the climax of its cycle. Although I am not a big astronomer or follow much astrology, I do consider the cycles of the moon to be an important rhythm in my life. Its influence on the earth and its natural systems cannot be ignored, so to appreciate its influence on us as earth beings just requires some personal observation.

I am not going to go into loads of detailed reasons as to why, but I do feel the energy shifts associated with the moons waxing and waning cycle and it is something that I have become quIte sensitive to. As such I have been observing the cyclic rhythms in my own life that appear to flow in synchronisisity with the moon and the more I have observed these the more aware I have become.

The journey to creat the website, which contains this blog, is a classic example of the process for me, with the ebb and flow of the creative process synchronising nicely with the energetic influence of the moon cycle. Add to that the eclipse cycle that started back in August last year and concludes now at the end of January, which has been really quite intense for me.

The extremes of the moon cycle are times for contemplation, focuses meditation and energetic experience. I feel my physical, mental and spiritual energy levels fluctuate with the energy of the moon and my sleep patterns are frequently affected. The new moon is a time to focus on new beginnings and visions for the future, with plans to grow and expand as the moon waxes to full.

The full moon is a time to take stock of progress and let go of things that do not serve a creative purpose, letting the waning moon energy dissolve them away. For me this energy has been used more to consolidate the things I have creatively worked on during the previous waxing period. It’s a time to feel the fullness of creative expression in what ever form it takes and to appreciate the experience.

Fires are a great tool to use as part of the moon cycle experience, as a natural stimulant to enliven thought processes, encourage visions, fuelling ideas that can take shape in the flames or form in the embers. Holding ceremonies around fires can also be a fantastic process of giving and taking with the energy of the flames, that can both consume unwanted aspects of our lives and carry our dreams out into the world.

I was sitting beside the fire last night with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the incredible journey I am experiencing, especially all the people I am connecting and reconnecting with along the way. Every connection offers an opportunity to share stories and experience new perspectives, and it is through sharing that we expand our consciousness and grow…..

A recent insight from connecting with someone new and openly sharing experiences, with details of our personally journeys, has been an expanded understanding of intimacy. Now, this is something that I had an instinctive awareness of, but it took a new perspective from someone else to really consolidate it all for me and thus has given me something to reflect on as the moon now enters a waning cycle.

I have always had a close relationship with the intimacy of physical tough and this has been expanded with a greater awareness of my energetic frequency, which is a joy to experience in relationship with others. However, I had not truly appreciated how my openness to share my story, could be experienced as a display of intimacy, although this becomes so clear when the word is broken down into ‘in-to-me-see’…..

I have had the great fortune to be offered the opportunity to process so many challenges in my life and feel now in a position where I have no problem sharing my story in discussions with others. The content of this blog and the website are all part of this, but only really touch the tip of the proverbial Iceberg. I will be exploring other opportunities to express my story through intimate expression as ‘in-to-me-see’ opens and engages with shared experiences.

The vision for the retreat community in Bulgaria is all part of this process for me, because it emerged from a challenging period in my life, which was transformed through a deep connection with the land in this beautiful country and the vibrancy of the natural landscape that held me so securely in my fragility. Now I want to share my experiences and offer others the opportunity to discover this connection in a way that helps their own unique process.

A fundamental part of my healing process has been a reconnection to the natural rhythms of the land under the warms of the Sun’s rays, within the beauty of the four seasons, the sensitive stimulus of the changing temperatures, the visual invigoration in the transition of day length and of course the cyclic ebb and flow of the energetic moon.

The post Rhythm of the Moon appeared first on Harmonic Alchemy.

Now I see this as a positive thing because for me this is all part of reconnecting with our seasonal rhythms within the annual cycle of life on earth.  In the winter months the days are shorter and the temperature colder so we naturally slow down and spend more time inside beside the fire.

Just as we physically focus on activities inside, it follows that we also do this physiologically as well, becoming more introspective and thoughtful.  Naturally it follows that our spiritual energy is turned within and all three together mean we go through a period of regeneration.

This is an aspect of life which I believe has been lost in the commercial consumer culture of the west where the working week is maintained consistently the same all year round and the pressure to earn enough money to pay the bills is unrelentingly inflexible.  This is why so many people now feel the draining affects of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), because their bodies are telling them they should not be so active at this time of year.

Meanwhile winter days in Bulgaria are something to be enjoyed and appreciated,  with the sky only really cloudy when more snow is on its way.  When its not snowing the sun is out in the blue sky and it can be really quite warm, despite the coating of white powder on everything. Anyone who skies in one of the resorts in Europe will be familiar with this.

It is a stark comparison to the grey days experienced in the UK where the seasonal weather temperatures rarely change much more than ten degrees either way.  Although, strangely I feel the cold far more in the UK than I do in Bulgaria, its a different kind of cold.  Despite it being measurably colder it does not actually feel that way, not least because the sun is still shining.

The photograph above was taken on a trip into the mountains to check on our herd of horses, which rome free, grazing throughout the meadows and woodlands surrounding the village.  At the time we had three horses forming part of a herd combining with two other neighbours.  Meanwhile, the image below requires no explanation 😉 

The post Winter in Bulgaria appeared first on Harmonic Alchemy.

A question I am frequently asked is: “Why Bulgaria?” and there is a section dedicated to this question within the main pages of the site. However, I thought it worth providing my personal perspective on this, which is a little more than just the attraction of the country and its culture.

This is the first post in a series that I will add to the blog pages progressively, because there is so much to share on this subject.

So there are a number of reasons ‘Why Bulgaria’ some more significant than others and some that have proved quite a challenge, while others have already offered huge rewards.   It is now a little over 4 years since we moved to the small mountain village of Leskovdol and if you were to ask me for the one thing that validates that choice I would have no doubt in saying it has been watching my two boys grow up there.

Although I would not argue that the education system in the UK is one of the best in the world, according to ‘modern’ standards, I would disagree that the pressure put on children with tests and assessments is productive or justified.   So for me the fact that the Bulgarian education system starts at age 7 was a big deal.

Growing up in Bulgaria has meant my boys have spent most of their time playing outside, where they have the freedom to run around the mountain meadows, almost unrestricted.   This has been the source of great pleasure to me as I have watched them playing in the woods, climbing trees, jumping in puddles, building dens, turning what ever they find into something to play with.

Laykan my oldest is the artistic one and I am sure will one day be a sculptor, because he collects all sorts of things and organizes them into shapes and structures. His imagination takes him places that only he can see and he brings back his inspirations that given life to his drawings and sculptural arrangements.

Sam is a little over a year younger than Laykan, but you would not know it, because he has court him up in size and they could easily be mistaken for twins, although they are very different in form and character.   Sam is the practical one and has always been so. He has been playing with my tools since before he could walk, having started with my hammer, at 6 he is now very handy with most of my power tools.

As a parent it is often a challenge stepping back and watching as your children explore the world for themselves. The feeling of responsibility is huge, it is so easy to project parental fears and anxieties onto our children that only serve to limit their expansion as they interact with the world around them. Taking risks is an essential part of this and many of those risks will test the capacity of their parents more than the child themselves and believe me the boys have tested me to the limit on numerous occasions.

The first 6-7 years of our lives are incredibly influential, because our learning skills are on hyper-drive as we literally download information from the world around us.   Our relationships and interactions during this time are the foundation for the rest of our lives. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to share this with my boys, because I chose not to be the work away dad and to create a life were I worked on and in the family home, where my boys grew up seeing me every day.

This has been a priceless experience for me and this is only a brief introduction to a subject I will cover again and again in future blogs, because it is a topic that is very close to my heart and has been without doubt, and continues to be, my greatest reward from the decision to move to Bulgaria.

The post Growing up in the Mountains appeared first on Harmonic Alchemy.